Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
