I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
