He is such a slut. More and more my type.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
