I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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