dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
