It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you would pick up someone in the library
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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