I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
