Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
