I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
