At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
