Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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