The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
