you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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