The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
