All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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