your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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