I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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