i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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