I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
im six kinds of drunk right now
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
