So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
