Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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