im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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