I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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