doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
