I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
