Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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