Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
no, he came in my armpit
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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