Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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