Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
