I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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