farters have to be the big spoon...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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