Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
