I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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