DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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