I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
