found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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