you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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