It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
