I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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