I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
