just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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