She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
