he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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