Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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