How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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