I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
