If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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