We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
