Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
