My room smells like vodka and shame
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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