The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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