okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
