I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
