apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
