I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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