Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
