Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
