Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
