I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
