There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She's the barista slut.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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