Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
